11 GWAR Tour Memories

This was once (and may continue to be) my gaming blog, but I figured it’d be as good a place as any to host this. I wrote a LOT while on tour as a spew tech/slave for GWAR during fall 2014. I am a little guarded about what I wrote, but I wanted to share a few glimpses — 11, to be exact. They are in chronological order. I hope you enjoy them.

Big-Boy Yoga (Ongoing)
Since I’m unable to get real workouts in, I take to stretching every night before we went on. I call on my background in martial arts, plus some DDP Yoga. It’s not that I need to be that warmed up; I just want my body to get something beneficial. Many times, both Jameson and Bishop join me. I enjoy stretching with those big boys; hopefully they enjoyed it, too.

Passionate Chef (October 17 in Stroudsburg Pennsylvania)
Often, on catered-meal days, I’m given some salad or cold spaghetti as “lunch.” In Stroudsburg, the chef takes our dietary restrictions as a challenge. He makes some awesome lentil wraps for lunch, then vegan sandwiches for dinner. We are short 1, so I give mine up. In exchange, the chef makes me some amazing Israeli couscous with tomato and avocado. You can tell he really loves his job and food in general. It’s a giant serving, and I sharedwith others.

Theater for One (October 26 in Oklahoma City)
Our first day off, the bus parks next to a mall. It ends up being a location out of a post-apocalyptic survival horror game. The theater next door is so barren, I am literally the only one in my 4:50pm showing of John Wick, which ends up being a super badass movie.

I Am A Shadow (October 30 in Lawrence Kansas)
This is not a good show for me. It is capped off by me getting nailed with a guitar thrown by someone unaware that I am hunched over, rolling hoses. I shouldn’t be surprised; I’m the closest thing to a ninja in this group.

Vegas Shot (November 7 in Las Vegas)
I only consume alcohol once on this tour. My wife and my best friend both come out to Vegas to see the show (and Black Keys the next night, but never mind that). After the show, we find the Jägermeister in the dressing room and all havea double shot. It is a pretty special moment with my two favorite people.

Trust Fall (November 11 in Portland)
Walking 0.4 miles back to the venue from Veggie Grill. It is so windy that I can basically trust-fall with the wind – meaning I lean back on my heels and the force of the wind keeps me from falling. I would have loved a picture of this, as most people don’t believe me.

Canadian Waterslide (November 18 in Brandon Manitoba)
On another day off, we drive through Canada until late afternoon. The hotel we stop at has an indoor waterslide. I ride down it at least a dozen times. A fellow tour member comes in and – annoyed at the lack of locker rooms – dropps trow and changes into his swim trunks out in the open – despite a family hanging out at poolside.

Grinding My Mom (November 21 in Milwaukee)
I could write a top 10 grinder memories list easily, but this is easily my most loved. My mom wasn’t even planning to come to the show at first, just to hang out with me before I had to be back. How does she end up as the first mother of a member of the tour thrown into the human meat grinder – much less by her own offspring? Let’s just consider it a testament to her courage and fun spirit.

Zombie Apocalypse (December 5 in Orlando)
My first thing each show is being a security guard who gets decapitated and spews into the audience. A lack of security and a low/close barricade in Orlando results in me encountering a fan on stage as I flail, headless and bloody. I corral him in one hand and hip-toss his ass offstage. If only he was the last to get up there; it becomes the freaking zombie apocalypse as dozens of people make it on stage over the course of the show.

Tow-It-Yourself (December 10 in Montreal)
The snow sure fell while we were putting on a rock show and loading the truck. As such, CoC’s van struggles to get out of the alley. Me, the Sharks and others try to give it a push. However, it takes damn near everyone to finally get it out of the ice and snow and into the road.

Final Hug (December 13 in Baltimore)
The Oderus ceremony at encore is an emotional time, and we did it 52 fucking times. At the final show, right off-stage, one of the musicians gives me a big hug and tells me he loves me. That means a lot, and really caps off the tour in a heartfelt way.

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